The Beauty of wanting more: Lea Drinda on Longing for More Than What's in Front of Her

AFFECT caught up with actress Lea Drinda, to talk about the roles we play, the expectations we refuse to meet and the strange beauty of always wanting more. We talked about identity, womanhood and what it means to stay true to yourself while constantly stepping into someone else's shoes. About ambition, growing up a little too fast, the fear of standing still and why getting what you want doesn't always feel the way you imagined. On finding comfort in the people who know you best, refusing to fit into someone else's idea of who you should be and learning that longing, with all its beauty and pain, might be one of the best parts of being alive.

PHOTOGRAPHY: Timo Wagner

AFFECT: For everyone who doesn't know you yet: Tell us a little about yourself.

Lea Drinda: My name is Lea Drinda, I'm half German, half Spanish and I've been working as a performer/actress for 10 years. I was born in Thuringia, I live in Berlin. I spent my teenage years at a Catholic girls' school in Baden-Württemberg.

A: If we asked your closest friends to describe you in three words, what would they say?

LD: Probably stubborn or strong, smart and empathetic.

A: You've stepped into very different characters and worlds over the past few years. Do you feel that's also changed how other people see you and how you see yourself?

LD: I think I separate myself as a private person very much from my roles, and that goes for how people see me from the outside too. I love acting and diving into other people's minds, but at the end of the day I'm my own person. There can be very different reasons for deciding to take on a role; most of the time, though, they stay on the set where they were needed.

A: What do people often misunderstand about you?

LD: I'm relatively shy. Or maybe more introverted. Sometimes that gets labelled as arrogance.

A: Is there a side of you that would probably surprise people?

LD: Many :)

A: You've played characters who deal with identity, belonging and social expectations in very different ways. Is there something that connects these characters for you?

LD: Above all, what connects us in the first place is my interest in these very characters. I want to understand them, give their actions reasons and lend my tears to their feelings. I'm an extremely empathetic person. That doesn't necessarily mean I'm constantly feeling sorry for others, but I can often understand their feelings and the actions that result from them very well. These subjects were or still are absolutely relevant in my own life too, even if perhaps in a different way than in the films in which I portray them.

A: Is acting more a way of getting to know yourself better, or sometimes a way of escaping yourself?

LD: Probably more the latter. Acting is a creative outlet for me, one I need to let go of pent-up anger and sadness. It frees me.

A: You've often portrayed characters who don't necessarily fit the expectations of those around them. What fascinates you about people who aren't so easy to categorise?

LD: I probably simply agree with them by playing them. I find it very uncomfortable and sad to have to reduce yourself as a person, to make yourself smaller, bigger, stronger, weaker than you are just to meet some expectations. Complete nonsense. That's why I like playing these roles, because they're right not to accept those expectations.

A: Is there a character you only truly understood after playing them?

LD: All of them.

A: Acting also means immersing yourself in other lives for a while. Is it easy for you to find your way back to yourself afterwards?

LD: If it were just one single project, the answer would definitely be YES. It's easy to come out of that. But my life now consists more and more of back-to-back projects that follow one another throughout the year. That can leave very little room for private life and friendships and time alone, which you really need too. So far I always manage to come back to myself, but in the long term I need to watch that closely so I'm not away from myself for too long or can no longer find my way back.

A: What kinds of roles are you longing to play right now?

LD: I'm really drawn to naturalistic acting, internal conflicts, relationship and family conflicts. I want to play young women in films that actually make space to understand what that means, what it feels like, and what they need and want.

A: Is there anything you've consciously decided you no longer want to play?

LD: It's more certain ways of working that I wouldn't want anymore. I think you can only make as much of a character as the others want you to. So sometimes the role isn't even the deciding factor, but the script itself, the direction/production and so many other things.

A: When did you first become aware that there are certain expectations of how a young woman should be?

LD: I think I already felt those expectations as a girl. And decided very early on that I didn't want to meet them.

A: What does womanhood mean to you? Has your understanding of it changed in recent years?

LD: Being a woman is a decision I made at some point. To be honest, it doesn't mean as much to me as it perhaps does to others, because I still don't quite understand what exactly it's supposed to mean. I am who I am. With the character and personality I happen to have. I am a woman, or well on my way to becoming one. Or maybe not…

A: Do you think we're genuinely freer today to be who we want to be, or have social expectations simply changed?

LD: Difficult. A bit of both. We're still nowhere near a point where there's an equal relationship in which everyone can be and love whoever they want without worry. It'll probably take decades, because these knots are only just starting to come undone.

A: How much of our identity comes from ourselves, and how much from how other people perceive us?

LD: I can only speak for myself here, but my identity is something I mainly feel and understand from within, and then try to communicate and make visible to the outside world. Sometimes, though, you also realise where the boundaries of your own identity lie when others misunderstand it and you want to defend yourself, and in doing so you realise where you actually stand… I hope that makes sense…

A: Our third issue explores desire, longing and the things we want. What does longing mean to you personally?

LD: Longing is one of life's great gifts. Wanting something and pushing yourself to go after it, and continuing to move towards your own needs despite the fear, is such a wonderful state and process. I love longing, it's a beautiful kind of suffering.

A: What are you longing for right now, regardless of whether it's realistic?

LD: I long for education. I want to know and understand more. I long for connection and exchange. I want to talk to people and be surprised by what they tell me. I long for nature. I want to feel more places in this world on my retina.

A: Do you think we're sometimes more in love with the idea of something than with what we'd actually get?

LD: Absolutely! And that's a painfully double-edged sword: It can be a pleasure to love and want something from afar, because the act of loving itself is a beautiful thing. But as I touched on before, it also means suffering. And if you suffer for something for too long, even if it's out of love, it can confuse you enormously and even throw you completely off track. But the risk is usually worth it. Not always…

A: Is there something you wanted for a long time that suddenly became less interesting once you had it?

LD: To my great shame, I feel this way about possessions in general. Often when I want to buy something that's quite expensive or perhaps unnecessary, I think owning it will make me happier. Usually a misconception. As soon as I hold it in my hands, the magic is gone and it's just a piece of fabric, not the key to my happiness.

A: Does longing have to remain a little unfulfilled to still be longing?

LD: YES.

A: We live in a time when we're constantly shown everything else we could have, experience or achieve. Do you think that's made it harder to figure out what we really want?

LD: I think it makes you question more quickly whether what you have is the right thing. And you compare yourself and others more quickly.

A: What's more dangerous: wanting too much, or eventually not wanting anything at all?

LD: The idea of not wanting anything at all someday is much more frightening to me right now than wanting too much, because the latter still means action and progress and development, whereas wanting nothing would be a static state. This restlessness certainly also has to do with my young age, but I would definitely rather want too much and run for it than want nothing and just sit there…

A: Can you long for a version of yourself you don't even know yet?

LD: You can, whether it makes sense I don't know. But it certainly makes sense to set personal goals and work towards them.

A: Is there an earlier version of yourself that you sometimes miss?

LD: I think naivety is a gift and something I lost too early. Even though I'm very glad to be where I am and to be who I am, with all the experiences that have shaped me, I sometimes wish I hadn't had so much responsibility and independence so early. I certainly could have used a few more years of thinking and being without consequences.

A: When do you feel most like yourself?

LD: I probably feel most like myself with my family. That includes some friendships that feel so essential they've long since become part of the family category. I feel most like myself when I can potter around without saying anything and without showering, and be alone in a place with those very people.

A: What's something completely ordinary that you regularly long for?

LD: A cigarette.

A: Is there something you're proud of, even though it doesn't seem impressive from the outside?

LD: My taste in music.

A: What would you like to do if you knew nobody was watching?

LD: I'd probably be naked a lot more often if I knew nobody could see me.

A: What's something you find incredibly attractive in other people that has nothing to do with looks?

LD: Intelligence.

A: What does success mean to you?

LD: I find it very difficult to define this word because it's often a reflection from the outside, or at least understood that way. For me, it's a success when I discover something new about myself. When I overcome my fears. Success is humility. Success is continuing to develop.

A: Are you ever afraid that success will lock you into a particular version of yourself?

LD: Not at all, because my definition of success contradicts precisely that kind of static satisfaction. My success is what comes after success. Again and again, further and further.

A: If recognition, money and other people's expectations stopped mattering tomorrow, what would you still keep doing?

LD: 100% everything just as it is.

A: What would you tell your younger self that they probably wouldn't have understood back then?

LD: Nothing. I don't want to change my own past.

A: If you could wish for something for the next few years that has nothing to do with your career, what would it be?

LD: Above all, I wish for good health, and I’m sure the rest will fall into place. I’d love to travel to Georgia and Azerbaijan.

Interview by Noémi Zak